The Experience I Didn't Know I Needed

How the Worst Semester Taught Me the Most

I can’t help but think back to my freshman year of college and remember how badly I wished to be a senior already: a 21-year-old with a solid group of friends and a clear plan for the future. There were countless nights that I spent stranded in my unair-conditioned, tiny dorm room feeling envious of my older brother - a senior at the time - who always seemed to be living it up downtown with his friends. Now, it feels unreal to have just finished my second-to-last semester at Penn State, and I can only hope for time to slow down.

Move-in day 2017

Our first PSU tailgate!

Additionally, I often wonder if who I’ve become is someone that would make that freshman version of myself proud.

It goes without saying that this entire past year has not gone as expected, and that same sentiment applied to the past several months of being away at school. Despite all of the pandemic-inflicted change that I tried my best to prepare for and adjust to, I learned that life is just going to throw curveballs no matter what.

The first few weeks in State College flew by in a whirlwind, as my roommate, Julia, and I made our best effort to navigate the bars in the midst of new stipulations - ones that required the purchase of LineLeap passes to reserve a table beforehand and far too many dollars worth of french fry orders. Though my bank account took a hit, being able to reconnect with friends who have become family in a place that feels like home is really all that I cared about at the end of the day.

I was optimistic about my course load, too, in the beginning of fall. With 13 credits of classes that I thought I’d have a genuine interest in, I crossed my fingers that this would finally be the semester where I figured out what I wanted to do with a life beyond graduation.

But in 2020 fashion, there came a point where I came crashing down from the initial high I was on.

Julia had been spending every Monday-Wednesday-Friday shadowing a physical therapist at a facility outside of State College as part of an internship course for-credit. As COVID-19 cases throughout the county continued to spike with the return of Penn State students to the area, it wasn’t long before student interns were pulled from the program to minimize the risk of spread and exposure to the virus.

The major problem was that she still had an obligation to meet Penn State’s shadowing hour requirements, and beyond that, she simply wanted experience for her own benefit as a future professional in the field. As a result, she relocated to a hospital outside of Pittsburgh that still accepted student-interns, and moved back to her hometown three hours west of State College.

She was my only roommate this year, so I had to adapt to living alone. I was extremely grateful that she chose to visit for a handful of weekends, but even that didn’t fill the void that I realized existed without my best friend by my side. I quickly learned that I missed the small experiences of living with someone; driving to Dunkin’ or walking through pretty neighborhoods behind our apartment didn’t feel the same when doing so alone. Julia was exactly where she needed to be to work her situation out, yet I couldn’t help but to selfishly wish that she could be in two places at once.

I contemplated spending some time back home myself, and at one point, I took all of my online classes from New Tripoli for over a week. Being with my family made me feel better at first, but being out of the routine I had developed while at school threw me off as well.

Conveniently, it was around this time when my school work began to really pick up, too. My “piece-of-cake” semester turned out to be a surprising amount of work, as I had foolishly underestimated the caliber of my senior-level, capstone public relations class. Combined with an internal perfectionist mentality and the struggle of doing group work via Zoom, my stress level was off the charts.

Even writing, which has never failed to comfort me in the past, felt like a chore this semester. Between the feature-writing, public relations, and English classes I was enrolled in, the last thing that I wanted to do was journal on my own time or do much of anything that required creativity.

With no other option but to get it done, I gritted my teeth and worked to complete assignments. There were countless times where my comfort zone was tested: I conducted over-the-phone interviews with sources for my stories in journalism, met at odd hours with group members who lived overseas for my PR class, and took an introductory music course on The Beatles - knowing that I wasn’t the biggest fan of the group to begin with. I dodged my parents’ inquiries about starting to search for jobs, and continued to believe that there was simply no career that was right for me.

In between Julia’s visits, I pushed myself to reach out to other friends that I had at Penn State, and made several weekend trips to hangout with friends from back home as well. My family salvaged what was left of the Penn State Football season this year by having makeshift tailgates at two different campgrounds where they were able to park their campers overnight.

The surrounding ambiance might have paled in comparison to the normal tailgating fields, but we forged on nonetheless with an iconic tent-setup: complete with hot dogs, picklebacks, and TVs for watching the games.

After months of traveling back and forth, I've now left my apartment behind for good - at least until late January when the spring semester starts up. As I sit relieved on my living room couch, cup of coffee hand with all final projects submitted, I have finally found the time to take a breather and reflect.

From all fronts, I've defined the fall 2020 semester as my least favorite by far for many of the reasons that I’ve described above. But for each of those same circumstances, a lot of the disappointment and pressure I felt taught me things that I likely wouldn’t have known about myself otherwise.

Moving forward, I now know that living on my own isn’t impossible and sometimes just requires an extra push to be social: alone doesn’t have to mean lonely. I used to roll my eyes at my dad when he’d tell me that I’d be lucky to make it out of college with just one good friend, but I now understand (as much as I hate to admit that he’s right!) and feel even more blessed knowing that I’ll likely leave with a few. Nothing helped me more during this time than leaning on the friendships I’ve formed in State College and beyond when I sensed myself getting sad.

I was also forced to confront my fears about life after a May graduation. It might seem like a no-brainer; as a senior, I should have expected to be hit with rigorous, difficult courses. Yet, I was content with keeping my head in the clouds when it came to thinking about the future for much of the time.

For years, I’ve jokingly said that I have “zero career aspirations.”. I’ve recently realized that the reason that I've shied away from many real-life experiences (like internships, clubs, etc.) is because I’m extremely scared to fail. While I've failed plenty of assignments throughout my lifetime, what happens if the writing and other creative projects I produce in a professional setting aren’t good enough? What if I grow resentful of the hobby that I enjoy doing the most?

All this time, I never stopped to think that there was a flip slide of all those hypotheticals. What if I really am meant for a career in writing? What if I end up having success with creating public relations campaigns for other people and brands?

Between the pressure to meet story deadlines, stress of taking online classes and overall odd circumstances I faced this past semester, I really didn’t have the time to worry about my own inadequacy. I cranked out assignments, even ones that I didn’t feel 100% confident about, and had to trust that I tried my best. I never considered how rewarding it would be to actually succeed.

‘Success’ isn’t so much about the grades for me, but rather about how proud I feel of myself and the work that I'm able to put out. When I think back to the freshman Payton, or even to the person that I was just a few months ago, I don’t think she ever could have imagined turning in a 59-page campaign plan or three strong feature stories for a class and enjoying both the result and crazy creative process of it all.

For the first time ever, I feel optimistic about what my life could look like as a PSU alum - whether it’s a career in journalism or in the PR industry (maybe even none of the above? who knows). It wasn’t the semester I expected, or would wish to experience again, but in retrospect, it might have been what I needed.

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(p.s. Julia will be back next semester and feel free to check out my final projects on the Feature Stories and PR work pages! )