I Guess This Is Growing Up

How is it possible that I’m still in denial about graduating in less than two weeks?

I’ve spent the majority of my life thus far with really just one end goal in mind: attend Penn State. It sounds cliché to admit, but I truly never thought that I’d arrive at — let alone complete — this milestone.

Though graduating has been my reality for the entire school year now, subtle things like taking photos in my cap and gown or seeing groups of friends walk down College Ave wearing matching bar crawl t-shirts indicate just how real the impending situation has become.

Aside from these senior rites of passage, there’s yet another reason to reminisce on the past four years I’ve spent in State College; I recently discovered a chain of journal entries that I wrote during my freshman year of college.

For years now, I’ve recorded anything and everything that I’ve ever written (just about) in my Google Drive account. It doesn’t matter if it’s an assignment for class or somewhat of a personal diary entry, it’s convenient for me to store and access documents all in one place. So, when I found four pages filled with thoughts, experiences, and dreams that my 18-year-old self once had, you might imagine that it was kind of like finding some sort of time capsule.

In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t seem like all that long ago. At least within the timeline of college, though, freshman year now feels so far away. I remember being cooped up in my dorm room, probably stressing over some random science gen ed class, and coping in the only way that I knew how: writing.

Fast forward all this time later, I now sit comfortably on the couch in my downtown apartment, and not only wonder how I’ve gotten here, but how I’ve gotten here so fast. Amid the whirlwind of emotions that I’ve been experiencing lately, once again I’ve relied on one of my most tried and true coping mechanisms: writing.

Except this time around, I’m not ashamed, but proud to reveal what my journey has actually been like, and I’m excited to share a few excerpts from these past journal entries.

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Summer 2017 (pre freshman move-in day)

"When I was younger, I opted to escape the chaos of the 100,000+ people herding into Beaver Stadium and would instead explore the campus with my grandpa. For several years we shared this tradition. No Penn State trip was complete without a picture on the lion shrine, a grilled cheese from Baby’s, a ride on the blue loop and a new blue and white outfit from the Student Bookstore; in my family, you could never have too much Penn State apparel. As I grew older, my patience for football did as well, and I finally decided to take in the incredible atmosphere that is Beaver Stadium on game day.

Unlike my childhood adventures around the campus, this year I will familiarize myself with a different side of Penn State that I had never before seen. In my time as a freshman, I’m sure I will be exposed to more coursework than I ever thought was possible, pokey sticks and other late-night Gumby’s orders, the student section at football games, and parties.

In my next four years, I promise to myself to continue to take in all of Penn State and remember the experiences that influenced my decision to attend college in the Happiest of Valleys."

Fall 2017

"The truth: adjusting to college life was difficult. I was so focused on finally being at the school that I had always dreamed of that I neglected to prepare myself for a feeling that many call ‘homesickness.’

I’ve always put a lot of pressure on myself and thought that there must have been something wrong with me to not instantly fall in love with not only college, but PENN STATE. Feeling sad at a place that I thought I had loved all of my life prior was terrifying and made me wonder if I had made the right decision. After a while I reached out to my older brother, Collin, who is here as a senior, and he suggested that we get lunch together. I’m not sure if he’ll ever know how significant this small gesture was to me, but I appreciated him reassuring me that it’d all get better in time. In a week or two, it did.”

Winter 2018

“A lot has changed since what I wrote last. I’m now in the second last week of classes before finals begin and I truly do not know how I got here. Many exams, tailgates, laughter, tears, and mediocre dining hall dinners later, my time left in Happy Valley for the fall semester is approaching the end.

Thanksgiving break was merely a tease. I tried to explain to my parents that I wasn’t upset about coming back to Penn State itself, but that pushing through the next two weeks would be rough. It also didn’t help that going home had grown to be a luxury: home-cooked meals, my own spacious bedroom, and being in a place that I had been all my life prior. I still got sad saying goodbye to my family.”

Spring 2018

“To be quite honest, my life feels like a mess right now. Even though it’s mid-April, it doesn’t feel like spring in the slightest; I’m in over my head with a final English paper and am sick of living life constrained to a dorm. I would very much like to return to home, but I know better than to wish these last few moments as a freshman away.

Two days after moving out of my dorm, I’m coming back to State College for my older brother’s graduation. If I think that it’s bittersweet to be away from this place just for the summer, I can’t imagine how Collin must feel. He’s loved Penn State for all of his life and only had the chance to be at University Park for the last two years of his time spent in college.

As this school year comes to a close, I am so grateful for every single experience I’ve had and lesson I’ve learned. I’ll miss Bigler Hall and the anxious/exciting feeling of being a freshman, but I won't miss the communal showers.”

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...So, what about re-reading this makes it even more bittersweet?

For starters, it seems like yesterday that the roles were reversed and that I was the one watching my older brother walk across that graduation stage. It seems like yesterday that I wondered how I could ever decide on a major, ever manage to cook for myself in an apartment, or ever make it through another three years of classes.

Even now that most of these worries have been put to rest, there's still so much uncertainty in my life. As a routine-oriented person, I can’t quite say that I’m comfortable with how chaotic my life has felt recently. Will I get a job? When will I ever see my college friends again? The pit in my stomach seems inevitable and permanent at this point.

At the same time, I do have to admit that this has been my favorite semester yet. Though I've abandoned some of my normal routines and priorities, a shift in lifestyle suddenly becomes worth it when I think about the little amount of time that I have left with my friends in State College. Aside from the embarrassing amount of times that I've locked myself out or have lost my own (or others') belongings, I've never felt more grateful for the friendships that I’ve made at Penn State, and proud of myself for welcoming opportunities that are outside of my comfort zone. It sounds like freshman year Payton would be encouraging this senior version of myself to take advantage of every opportunity, too.

When I enter Beaver Stadium for one last time as a student on May 8th, I'll feel confident knowing that I’ve met some of my absolute best friends, have had the chance to mess up and later learn from my mistakes, and have experienced moments that will inspire stories for the rest of my life.