A Letter to Penn State

Payton Breidinger
Jan 22, 2021
4 min read

Updated: Feb 17, 2022

Dear Penn State,

As a second-semester senior during my last “first week” of class, I find myself reflecting on the past years of experience you’ve given me during my time as an undergrad. I never imagined that my apartment living room would serve as my classroom or that my bed could double for a desk chair at times over the last few months, but nonetheless, here we are adjusting to and making the most out of bizarre circumstances.

It feels like yesterday that I stood outside of my freshman dorm saying a teary eyed goodbye to my parents and siblings. In that moment, it felt like May 2021 was a lifetime away, and that the next four years would be filled with a constant heartache for my family and hometown that was hours from State College.

Little did I know that the homesickness would subside in time and that I’d make extra room in my heart for Penn State as being a different kind of home: one where I was surrounded by friends of all kinds, challenges inside and out of the classroom, and the freedom to make all of the stupid decisions I desired.

At first, I was terrified by how much independence I was suddenly granted. Aside from the handful of hometown friends that I knew prior to moving onto campus, I feared that I wouldn’t be able to break out of my shell to meet people and that I’d feel overwhelmingly alone. There was added pressure, too, of navigating an entirely new landscape and speed-walking my way from one side of campus to the other for class.

On my very first day of school freshman year, I stood outside of the Thomas Building just minutes before the start of my creative writing class. I circled around the building trying to find the staircase, or even an elevator, that would take me to the upper level where my class was being held. My worst nightmare was showing up to my very first college class late, let alone drenched in sweat from the August humidity and heat; so my solution? Call my dad. He might have been two and a half hours away, but I somehow expected him to help me locate the staircase in a building he likely had not stepped foot in for 20 plus years since his time as a PSU student (if the Thomas Building even existed at all back then!).

To my dismay, and as you might imagine, he said that he had no way of helping me. In fact, the frantic nature of my phone call probably only worried him. It hadn’t even been a week since I left home, and I’m sure that it looked like I was already struggling to make it on my own.

It’s funny to think that this story turns out to be awfully representative of my college experience as a whole.

Eventually, I found the steps and shuffled into the back of the small classroom in just enough time. For the remainder of the semester, I made my way into the building and classroom with no problem at all.

All throughout college I've been thrown into situations that once felt impossible to solve, but became all-that-much-more rewarding once said and done. I had always heard that personal growth occurred in college, but I had no idea how many challenges I’d have to face for that to actually happen.

Another way that I realized this was by dropping all prior expectations I had for what my college years should look like or would turn out to be.

A large reason I was drawn to Penn State was for the idea that I’d be following in the footsteps of several family members. Having alumni in the family meant that I grew up eating leftover pokey stix from Gumby’s Pizza, hearing stories about the parties my parents threw at Beaver Hill, and being reminded by my dad that the annual Centre County Fesitval of the Arts isn’t about the art, but “all about the festival” (AKA reuniting with college friends to get drunk in mid-July).

As I’ve gotten older, though, I recognized a huge downside to comparing my own experiences to those of my relatives. I wouldn’t automatically have as many friends in my first year as my older brother had established in his fourth. Even without COVID-19 , State College, and college life in general, has rapidly changed over the past few years. It may seem like an obvious thing to consider, but I failed to remind myself of these things early on.

Really, I just had to practice separating myself from the internalized pressure I felt to instantly, and constantly, thrive. Knowing this is something that I’ll be proud to walk away with in a few months.

Come May, you really will be my hardest goodbye that I’ve had yet to face.

I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to imagine spending four years here. All throughout high school, I worked hard to uphold myself to the same standards that PSU students were held to in hopes that I’d be accepted. So much of my life has revolved around you- in every weekend of the fall football season, every essay I’ve had to submit, and even the branded apparel that catches my eye in stores. It doesn’t feel real to be on the other side where I now have to imagine a life without you. I'll no longer need to work toward some greater goal that involves Penn State.

Amid the rush of emotions I feel already, I’m certain of things that do feel real: the connections I’ve made with others and the collection of my own stories that I’ll now be able to share.

It’s bittersweet. It’s terrifying. But for the first time in my life, I’ll be able to say that I’ve fully seen a dream of mine play out. There’s no doubt in my mind that I was meant to spend this period of my young adulthood at Penn State.

My favorite line of the alma mater (if only I could join hundreds of thousands in the stadium to sing it as a student one last time) feels fitting for the closing remark I wish to make,

“When we stood at childhood’s gate,

Shapeless in the hands of fate,

Thou didst mold us dear old State

Dear Old State, dear old State.”